Welp, it turns out that i'm very anemic, so I made hamburgers for dinner and they were delicious so there's that. I should probably eat more hamburgers. Afterwards, R insisted i go lie down while he cleaned the kitchen, which was kind of him because i was dreading the greasy pan. I slept so deeply that I was disoriented when I woke up and it was a joy to slowly come back to myself and remember that oh right, my life has an R now, and we are living happily ever after.

*

Speaking of living happily ever after, last week I got some not-great test results so then I went for more tests, and since then I've been waiting for the results and I've been pretty anxious about it all. But I am relieved to report that today's latest results were not terrible. So now I just get to live in the world of general pain with inconclusive test results. But it did get me an urgent gyno referral tomorrow so i can be speculumed and scraped and probed. I'm almost certain that at the end of it we will still be living in the world of inconclusive test results. The only gyno who could see me on this short notice has a not-inspiring 3 out of 5 stars rating on the internet. Also he is a man. And he seems older. So.. great. Still. I know it's the right thing to do.

I'm recklessly drinking red wine and eating a kitkat nestle drumstick. This combination is almost certainly going to end in me feeling even more sick, but at this exact moment I have no regrets.

*

i have almost no relationship with my brother anymore, and that makes me sad. I don't know what to do about it. It feels like a culmination of a lot of little things that seemed to be just temporary hiccups but I guess they've added up over the years and now he feels so distant. I think I should probably try to talk to him about it? or something? but I don't think it would really make a difference and might make it worse.

9:17 p.m. - 2023-04-03