i made it home - it is sunny and the evenings are so long. The sun won't set til 8:30 tonight. After 3 weeks on the equator, I am completely disoriented about the time. The lilacs are blooming and the tulips are out. I've never seen marigold tulips before, and I love them. R filled the fridge with so many vegetables for me. I have been making a fennel, parsley and celery salad with a heavy squeeze of lemon and lots of salt and black pepper. I tried adding cucumber but strangely that's just too much. The spring farmer shares are in every Wednesday and i'm trying to keep up with all the greens. I'm heating up my mom's kale, lentil and sausage soup for breakfast. Jet lag has my meals all upside down.

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With R's blessing, BT and I had a conversation about whether or not he should come to the wedding and it churned up so many emotions. BT and I worked hard to build this friendship out of the ashes of our 10 years together. I was hoping he would come to the wedding because he's been such an important part of my life and I wanted him to be part of that day. I don't want the relationship to be defined by how it ended and I liked the symbolism of having him present for this next step. But we talked about it and i had to admit i was naïve to think it would be so easy. He hasn't seen all these people for 4-5 years. I think everyone will be nice and happy to see him but I understand that he's worried about what people will be thinking about him. And talking to BT I remembered how much I loved him and how hard it was to accept that our life together had ended. There are so many strong emotions to hold simultaneously - my joy and excitement and gratitude about my life with R and my deep sense of loss and grief about the end of the other chapter.

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I have a laparoscopic procedure scheduled for next Tuesday and hopefully will have some answers and a way forward. I'm not too sure I needed to go through this whole invasive procedure, but that's what the gynecologist suggested and I figure it can't be too bad to recover from a slice a hole in my abdomen large enough to thread a camera through : /

7:31 a.m. - 2023-05-12