I saw Youssou N’Dour tonight at the Strathmore and it was so amazing and I was happy to be there, and here. I wore this floaty dress I bought in Italy last year and I was beautiful. It has been a long time since I felt like that. We had great seats but everyone was sitting so I moved to a row closer to the back so I could stand up and dance the whole time and the music just wove itself around me and carried me off.

I loved the crowd watching almost as much as the amazing show- so many West Africans, dressed UP. Youssou is important. I guess I really like DC now- it has many highs. I think I’m going to get a promotion. I’m succeeding at this life I am not sure i even wanted. Often it is gratifying but also often I’m not sure how I got here .

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Spent the long weekend at a lake in the mountains- it was more partying than nature and it was fun for a night and then I was over it. I needed more than just all the beers and mushrooms and cigarettes and a few dips in the lake. Some good people but really was not my scene, good I know that for future. Never again. If I leave it will be for real nature, if that’s even possible in this crowded coast.-

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BT says he might put down an offer on an apt in Mtl so I guess that’s really that. Then I have to stop talking to him for real. When I FaceTime him my heart still skips a beat- after all these years. Stupid heart, wtf- he was so so awful last year. His face remains so dear to me but I’m just going to have to stop and cut him out and accept it’s really really done. Not quite there yet though, I don’t want to say goodbye. Anyway, I decided this year I’m dating books. I have a really long list I’m working through and I am finding some satisfaction in it.

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the days fly by, so busy with new and old friends and excursions and experiences and work. Sometimes I think about the other life, the sliding door life. In a broken down apartment, worried about money but with more time. With a routine that rarely varied, because that’s how BT likes to roll. Probably with a baby now and a garden and all the small miracles and moments and richness and intimacies of that life. Depth not breadth.

11:57 p.m. - 2019-05-29