After weeks of being up and happy and distracted and maybe a bit manic I awoke this week so sad, almost paralyzed with it. I moped around work listlessly.

I have got to stop talking to BT. We talked on Monday and he had some things to say about how it turns out it wasn’t us, it was him, and how he never had an adolescence, so now he is being 17 at 41 and his friends say he is happier but it’s not that simple but it kind of is. He said he didn’t really see *me* all these years because he had some other unresolved issues about women.

The hardest for me to hear: He thinks I’m grieving more than him because our relationship was not as important to him and he didn’t have so many dreams attached to it. Because of the aforementioned incomplete adolescence and unresolved issues about women. Also, he couldn’t tell me any of this because he was afraid I would leave him, so he just hid it. For a decade.

Listening, I felt a lot of sadness and also a low simmering rage. And shame. I had a hard time typing this out and I actually didn’t remember most of it for a few days. What is there to say?

This morning i again wondered about attraction- will I ever be attracted to someone again? BT still made my stomach flip sometimes. I got goosebumps when we kissed. With someone who I lived with who said all the things I just typed in the previous paragraphs. Now I look at people on the street and am so profoundly detached and uninterested.

My therapist texted to find out how I am and I texted back that I’m mad at therapy— not rational but we were both doing all the things and still WTF. Grief is so boring. I have also inexplicably posted this in my own notes section since I’m typing at the bank on my phone while adulting to open an account for my condo association since I volunteered to be the treasurer like a dummy.

Things that are good right now: coffee. Bike rides, my bike is so fun. Tulips everywhere. This journal remains a comfort. I have these great black hi-tops I like to wear. I can leave the windows open overnight and hear the birds singing in the morning. I started taking the stairs to work- up to the 10th floor. It’s brutal but feels good when I get up there.

I have to fly to Toronto for my sister in law’s baby shower tomorrow morning. I expect it will be... challenging.

11:58 a.m. - 2019-04-11