i read a phrase that BT would have loved and I put it in an email to send him and then I....

don't.


I read it again and I savour it myself. Learning to have that be enough.

People keep telling me, "you'll meet someone else" and I don't think I want to. I have all this energy now that I can apply to myself, to my family, to so many friends- I have had a steady stream of friends visiting and it's beautiful out so I walk home instead of rushing. I'm planning a 40th birthday trip with one of my closest friends in December. I can jump in the car and go to the mountains this weekend with E and next weekend for a bachelor(ette) party. I miss BT, I really do. He was sweet and funny and handsome and smart and unique and adventurous and loving and great at making mashed potatoes and indecisive and a wedded to routine and a bad communicator and grumpy and risk-averse and a major downer.

I feel my energy reorienting to myself and not sucked into this black hole that is trying wrangle a future with BT and this feels ok. Somehow I have more passion and hope and joy now than I've had in a long time and I don't want to give it to anyone else (even though... making out... oh, making out. Last time I had sex I got pregnant. That was so long ago, a lifetime ago, a sad sad lifetime ago).

3:15 p.m. - 2019-05-23