ugh i did that thing where i don't write forever and way too many things happen and i can't catch up.

magic: i finally flew across the country to see my sister because i wanted to get some time with her before the baby, which i did on the first night and then the morning after i arrived she unexpectedly went into labour a couple of weeks early, and i got to meet my niece soon after she was born, which was/is ... something i have not felt before. Also, my beautiful sister is a mother now, she delivered at home and everything went as well as it could have. It all just blows my mind. i don't even like babies but this is different. i was so lucky to be there...we live so far apart, but somehow this miracle happened and i got to be there.

A couple of days afterwards, I walked and walked through Vancouver, just enjoying being alone breathing in the misty air and marveling at the trees and mountains and the miracle of sunshine in january. I walked the beach, looking for the most beautiful shell to mark the occasion.. i have a few jars and bowls full of stones and shells i've picked up from time to time. I don't remember the circumstances associated with every one, but sometimes I can pick one up and i'm transported back to that moment. i do feel sometimes bad about picking up shells and moving them.. should i? I'll leave a note that they should get poured back into nature when i die.

workwork: i'm back in dar and work is intense but i'm glad i'm here because this is the part that makes all the rest of it worth it. Also I have a huge crush on my colleague, a super smart, funny and hot south african woman at least 15 years older than me, which leaves me so tongue tied and awkward, why can't i be confident and awesome?

i faced some hard truths and fears about some stuff and i feel a bit numb about all of it but also there's some calm acceptance in there too. So i'll be thankful for that part and take the rest day by day. It was good to see my sister and the baby, also my best friend from university and his five-year-old. Just a reminder about all the iterations of my life. This is just one part and nothing is forever.

jet-lagged, it's 1am, and i'm wide awake. I'm listening to the last metric album and the last song has a sample of a phone ringing, and it's so disconcerting because i'm in a hotel room and i have no idea what the phone here sounds like. ugh. it's like sirens in songs when you're driving. Also, weird, this album does an unexpected vangelis thing near the end. Did not see that coming.

12:59 a.m. - 2018-01-24