BT turns 40(!!!!) next week. I flew to Mtl on Friday and on Saturday we had a real grownup party... we rented a loft airbnb down the street and got food delivered in. We organized it with minimum freakouts and reasonable amounts of communication and i was impressed with our adulting. I think BT was a bit disappointed that there wasn't an epic dance party, but there were some reasonable dancing periods and I thought it was a perfect size. Some old friends, mostly newish friends... our old friends have mainly left the city, but BT has this whole new crew I sort of know. I started with mulled wine, and then made cocktails all night - mainly manhattans and a basic tequila/simple syrup/lime concoction - which gave me something to do and allowed me to avoid talking to people. Also, I am excellent at cocktails. I set up an art station and people made paintings that we can now put on the walls next to a plywood painting from BTs 30th. Someone brought acid and gave me a half tab. I carefully tore it in half and just put a quarter under my tongue and saved the rest in an envelope for another time. In my painting I am flying in front of northern lights.

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I've completely wrecked my mid/lower back and so - at this, my boyfriend's 40th birthday party, ugh - i was hobbling around, periodically taking breaks to lie down and let the spasms relax. On Sunday morning while clearing up, I fell down the last 4-5 stairs at the loft, which didn't help at all. Made it all feel a bit too real.

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Flew back to dc on Sunday night after that whirlwind.. i should have taken this week off and just stayed there, but i had too much going on at work this week. Now home alone, listening to Tom Petty and feeling a bit deflated and lonely and lost. This changing back and forth between worlds is hard on me. On both of us i guess. Also i'm so tired and yet won't go to bed - why do i do this?

11:25 p.m. - 2017-12-19