dreamed i was going somewhere with my family but we were delayed because my dad drank too much and threw up. Not much to say about that except that my subconscious knows what's what.

woke up feeling exhausted and lonely. After BT left for work, I put on some music [Perfume Genius], loudly, in a way i wouldn't if anyone else was in the house. Then burst into tears at the red kitchen table. It's nice to be back in Mtl and out of the bonkers USA. I feel safer in so many ways. I spent some time looking for jobs in Mtl. The top jobs suggested for english speakers: sales; courier; call centre; tutor; server. This aligns well with my PhD. I mentioned this to BT and he said, casually, infuriatingly, "oh yeah, in Mtl you have to make your own job". Thanks dude, I'll get on that.

Sitting at the kitchen table of my childhood home over christmas, I slogged through most of The Globe and Mail crossword alone. My sister spent Christmas with her husband on the other side of the country, too pregnant to travel. My brother was with his fiancee. BT and I spent most of the holidays at our respective parents' places. I drove there a few times, and he came over a few times. I explained this to a friend at the cabin we went to for New Years Eve and she was truly uncomprehending... "you just... spend the week at separate homes?". I didn't know to explain that I don't want to spend that much time at BT's parents' place and he doesn't want to spend that much time at mine, and so it turns out we'd rather be separate than compromise. The crossword: "threaten to fall" (6). I got that right away. Teeter.

Outside is beautiful, freezing, snow-covered. The snow bomb cyclone whatever is roaring in to the east, but we're not much affected. I used to shrink from the cold, but these days i find it bracing, exhilarating. I was born in this province and I take a certain pride in reveling when it's -25 Celsius. I have therapy in an hour, and hopefully she can help me understand that i'll be okay no matter which way i fall. Later, I will take my skates and trudge to the rink someone set up by the train tracks.

10:05 a.m. - 2018-01-04