It's still January - I meant to do this.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? a lemur perched on my head at a reserve in Madagascar. Also -- I moved into an empty apartment by myself in January and I made it a home. Looking back at my entries from early last year I remembered how hard and lonely it was. I spent months sitting on cushions on the floor because i couldn't bring myself to accept that was my new home, and find a (used) couch. Now that space feels like my refuge.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i think this time last year i was just trying to juggle all the anxieties that come with being a daughter, employee, friend, sister and girlfriend. There was no space for resolutions.
This year I’m trying to focus more on myself and less on all those other roles.
3. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? Contentment with where I am in right now, and care for myself right now. I have only recently realized how much I focus on an idealized future instead of making sure I have what I need to be happy and healthy in the present. Not sure why it’s so hard for me.
4. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I guess work stuff? There was a thing I worked on in Madagascar that I’m quite proud of. I made some friends and real connections in my new life in DC. Oh yeah, and I got my PhD. Can’t believe I almost forgot that… but honestly, I just finished it and didn’t look back. So weird when it was such a huge part of my life for so long. I guess these journal prompts are useful.
5. What was your biggest failure? Work-life balance. I work hard in spurts and then live hard in spurts. Also - I took out my IUD with some real hopes, and instead I’m further than ever from even trying to conceive. That feels like a deep failure and hurt that I find very hard to think about.
6. Did you suffer illness or injury? Twinged my back one night and then could barely walk or sit for a month. I realized that I need to exercise and strength train and all those things or I’ll be decrepit in my 40s. Again with the focus on care for myself now.
7. Whose behavior merited celebration? My mom is the best.
8. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I live in Washington, this is obvious.
9. Where did most of your money go? Flights back and forth to Montreal to see BT and Toronto to see my family. Mostly Mtl
10. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The Women’s March in DC was powerful. I was thrilled to see some great shows: hurray for the riff raff; Patrick Watson; John K Samson. The Kennedy Center – Alvin Ailey, among others.
11. What song will always remind you of 2017? The Navigator album - Hurray for the Riff Raff.
12. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? a) happier? Ish. b) possibly slightly fatter. c) Richer. I have a job.
13. What do you wish you’d done more of? i wish I'd found ways to be outside more. Like: Renting a car and driving out of the city to the mountains or the coast. Walking. Finding places with trees. Looking at the sky.
14. What do you wish you’d done less of? spending weekends in my apartment by myself. I need to just go do things by myself
15. How did you spend Christmas? With my parents in the morning, then my brother and his fiancée came for brunch. Went to my cousin’s in the evening and BT’s parents came too and actually it was all very very nice
16. Did you fall in love in 2017? ugh, what is that.
17. What was your favorite TV program? I liked the good place.
18. What was the best book you read? Ted Chiang – Stories of your Life and Others
19. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mitski
20. What did you want and get? I vacation with BT to Vancouver in the summer, and I got it
21. What did you want and not get? ugh, BT moving to live in DC with me. a baby. I honestly thought in 2017 we'd figure it out and live happily ever after and we did not and we will not
22. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? hung out with my dad in the morning and made pies with my mom. Went cross-country skiing with BT – gorgeous day, we skied until sunset and went home for tortiere and apple pie. It was a good birthday. I turned 38.
23. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having a job and not having to worry about money for the first time in a long time. Maybe not “satisfying” per se, but infinitely less stressful.
24. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? jean jacket, boots, and leggings as much as possible.
25. What kept you sane? periodic chats with my mom, my dad and my sister always ground me. Therapy. A visit from my dad at some low point in DC.
26. What political issue stirred you the most? Refugees. Migrants. Fuck borders, generally, and the very concept that any one group gets to dictate who can and cannot come into a space.
27. Who did you miss? BT. All the time. I wish we lived together and not in different countries.
28. Who was the best new person you met? My new friend J, who I met at work, saved me when I was wilting from loneliness. She is amazing and also a bit crazy and scary, like all the good ones are.
29. What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. Take. Care. Of. Yourself.
30. What was the best thing you bought? at an artist co-op in Dar es Salaam I got a great painting of a peacock.
31. What countries did you visit? Ethiopia, Madagascar, Tanzania, Zanzibar.
In Canada: an amazing trip to Vancouver and Salt Spring Island; a few nice little trips in Quebec – to Quebec City with a friend and to a little chalet with my siblings for a wedding (ugh, just remembering an annoying argument with my brother at that chalet. Also my sister was having a tough first trimester. I was so grateful to have BT with me).
In the US: a road trip through Philly, NJ shore, upstate NY and Vermont; New Orleans; the coast near DC – Virginia Beach (ick), Rehoboth (nice), Jersey Shore (beautiful, but it was February)

6:52 a.m. - 2018-01-25