We finally moved to dc. I wanted it to be so fun, exploring the city together, bike rides etc., but i am more or less tethered to the house because of health stuff and so i'm a) sick; b) trying to work weird hours when i can so i don't fall behind; and c) super anxious that R hates it here. I'm trying to cover it up with a cheerful veneer and it IS NOT WORKING. I never really know how to be anxious in the context of co-habitation. Where do i go? But also, R doesn't have anyone here but me. If I am a basketcase, it will be contagious and then he'll start to feel terrible too and then where will *he* go. I don't think i'll ever fully recover from the way BT just bailed on me the way he did.

But i think the worst of the health stuff peaked last night so I should start to feel better. And I have therapy today and then a long weekend and I got LCD Soundsystem tickets and some good drugs. That should help.

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I need to get rid of stuff so there is room here for both of us. I have space for AT MOST two of the following: my electric piano AND/OR an extra bed AND/OR a little cabinet with all my books and art stuff. BUT I NEED ALL THREE, ARGH. Also for some reason i cannot survive if i have to keep my bike in the shed, it has to be in the apartment with me like a security blanket. This apartment fits 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms into 730 square feet and every single thing needs to be optimized. It looks like R won't be able to work for about five months until his paperwork is processed so I imagine he is going to be the optimizer, which is obviously awesome that he's willing to do that but also it is terrible, and it gives me anxiety. I am thinking in ALL CAPS like i'm writing (and, apparently, I am also often TALKING IN ALL CAPS and R does NOT like it when i do that).

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We drove here from Toronto. It took about 10 hours, mainly through beautiful rural Pennsylvania..all green rolling hills, what a stunning country this is.

9:31 a.m. - 2023-06-16