Aghhhh.

My mom went to a wedding in Arizona, her first time travelling since the pandemic. She wrote to us, “i feel like country mouse”. I’m so happy she’s doing something fun. She’s so trapped here because my dad barely leaves the house. She and I discuss all the time that she should just go anyway, and if there are consequences from him being alone, it is what it is… but it’s so hard to really do it. This time i was able to reorganize things and I came to stay with him… I worry he will fall or something and no one would be around to help him.

Just this morning I was thinking how I should write here about the things I like about my dad, because there are many, and my entries about him are so negative. He hasn’t been drinking for a while because of some medication he’s on that will fry his liver if he drinks, and he’s so much better when he’s sober. I even texted my sister THIS FUCKING MORNING to say, “dad’s doing great. Definitely losing his memory but he’s in a good place” and honestly I should have knocked on wood because by 6pm I noticed he was acting a little off and I leaned in as I went by to see if I could smell any alcohol. By 7pm he was slightly slurring his words and I had a feeling he was hitting the secret scotch he thinks no one knows he keeps in his room. He went to bed but by midnight I heard him throwing up. At first i thought it was blood that he was vomiting and I freaked, but no, not that bad. But after everything we’ve gone through with him in the last year it’s just so disappointing. I got super mad and that doesn’t help anything. Now I’m so amped I can’t sleep. It’s so hard to be here. Alcoholics will get you every single time. (Update: next morning I checked the secret scotch and it’s been refilled and is ready to go for next time)

Anyway. I knew i had to get out of the house after dinner and I had a beautiful walk as the sun set. The air is cool and the frogs are back. When I lived here during Covid before he got sick I used to walk like 10km every night, just walking in circles in the dark neighbourhood to not be here.

12:31 a.m. - 2023-05-28