i left to use the bathroom and came back to BT asking the therapist if it's possible "to outgrow" a relationship, which would have felt more painful at other times but at this point i must be inured because i didn't even flinch. She said... i don't know, therapist speak, we are subconsciously attracted to the people who have a certain combination of characteristics that trigger the psychological wounds that we carry, and eventually the characteristics that drew us together start to push us apart. So not only do we have to manage our own personal quagmires but also recognize and overcome the patterns we play and replay in our relationships. I could explain it better for 400$.

*
i came home and downed half a glass of wine and tried to read my book (Rachel Cusk's Outline, highly recommend) but i was tired, i gave up, grateful at least for heavy limbs and the promise of a deep sleep. BT was prepping something w/ his snowboard for his trip, and the woman downstairs was getting antsy about the noise we were making and was already banging on the ceiling, when i accidentally knocked a bowl off a table as i was changing for bed. It smashed into 10 000 000 pieces on the kitchen floor. I stood in the middle of the shards with a broom in my hand and no pants and i wept. Adrenaline, anxiety. No sleep for me. The woman downstairs freaked out, she hates me (i am a klutz and therefore not ideal to live beneath), she hates everything and everyone except for BT, who is handsome and listens to her. He called her to explain what had happened so she wouldn't retaliate by banging on her ceiling all night, and she wanted to know how long i'd be here. "days" said BT. "not weeks".

*
At these sessions we learned some stuff. I do some things when i'm stressed and BT reacts to those things in a certain way that makes me more stressed and then i do my thing more and then he does his thing more and so on. it's been a bad cycle, and of course it's therapy so it all goes back to what we carry with us from childhood. The therapist said, "here's the information. are you willing to do the work? if you don't do it now you'll do it in your next relationship."

*
i dunno. Id like to say it must be simpler, and it might just be easier with someone else. But the the truth is that almost all the relationships around me indicate that no it is not simpler, nothing is simple about being healthy and happy and yoking yourself to someone else. Please feel free to fill my comments with anecdotal evidence to the contrary. BT is heading off for 10 days backcountry skiing w/ a bunch of bros and i'm heading to my parents' house for easter and then back to DC. i'm working on not looking forward, only focusing on this moment. this is so hard but this is where we are i am.

1:16 p.m. - 2018-03-29