snapshots.

last week landed Friday night and then did a 12 mi/3000 ft elevation hike on Saturday morning - a bus goes every week, there's a club, so i joined the randos because i am a rando now, accept it. It felt good to get out and i was proud i made it but i was s-o-r-e. Partially because I flew 30 hours and then woke up dehydrated and did this insane distance, partially because i am just out of shape and unprepared for that kind of distance. The Shenandoahs are beautiful and it was a kind of gruelling but satisfying experience and i suppose i'll go again, if anything because i was so exhausted i just passed out that night and slept 10 hours, which felt miraculous.

Friday i got on the train to go to the airport and was 3/4 there when i realized i'd misremembered my ticket and was en route to the wrong airport. Cue: series of misadventures while in a cold sweat watching the clock, including sitting on the side of the road next to a random train station charging my phone from my laptop so I could call a cab because no cabs were anywhere and lyft wouldn't load and my phone randomly died with 20% battery. I did make it to the airport, nice ppl let me cut in line at security, and then I had to duck down in shame so they wouldn't see me because the flight was 45 minutes late and i'd cut and cold-sweated for nothing, And then once we boarded, we sat on the tarmac for 2 hours for unspecified reasons. blah blah sprinted to make the next connection, made it to mtl, called BT - i've landed, come get me - but he'd somehow miscalculated the time to get to the airport, after doing this 500 times, so i waited for him and then when he came he was so out of it that we narrowly avoided accidents all the way home so essentially what i'm trying to say is friday was stressful.

Sunday - brunch w/ BT's friends and then a gorgeous spring ski and on the way home i inhaled a poutine. I was a beautiful day, although there were intermittent periods of grief, of course, that is where i live now. Car talks, nooo, i couldn't help myself and the whole time i was talking in my head i was thinking, 'shut up shut up, stop talking, this is the wrong time to say all these things right now while BT is driving and trapped' but i couldn't stop and of course he had nothing satisfying to respond with. I am in the bargaining phase, i've been here before. I offered to quit my job and move back and then in the middle of the night woke up in a panic for 2 hours and checked the job listings again and confirmed of course i can't work here. So we are back to the choice of moving here and becoming a barista with a phd who left her dream job for love like a chump or staying there and ending this 9 year relationship like a chump who chose a job over love. Option 1 i wonder how i would feel about BT being so inflexible and refusing to even try for a compromise. I'm not even sure it's still a possibility, i'm just in that denial phase.

Monday - working from "home" in mtl this week, i have no home. I am going to the dentist later today, i have cavities for the first time in my life and i am irrationally afraid. Tomorrow and the next day we have therapy so that we can nicely break up with each other (barring a miracle). And then Friday I guess i'll pack up all the things i can pack and head off. And that will be that.

10:21 a.m. - 2018-03-26