Out of nowhere remembering being 20 and living in Ottawa one summer in an apartment building on Charlotte St. I could go back and find those entries but I'm afraid to read 20 year old narcissa, I'm sure she was hella earnest and passionate and probably so insufferable, if sweet.

I used to sit with my roommate D and smoke weed on the balcony and talk about all kinds of things and listen to massive attack and portishead. She was so brilliant and funny and original - just little things she would do that I remember so fondly. Once when we'd been sitting up there for hours, she threw her shoe over the balcony down 3 floors to the street and when I looked at her she just smiled her quirky smile and said, "road trip". Our other roommates I didn't really know too well, but I tried... I had a hard time connecting with T. She was super smart and always name dropping these super famous people and I never really understood half of what she was saying. She had beautiful thick tawny hair.

D and I stopped talking a few months after we left that apartment. It was sort of a falling out over a boy, I think, but also she found this journal and misunderstood some things I'd written and we never really spoke again. I have always missed her and for years I thought of her often. I'm not good with people cutting me out of their lives. And T I kept track of. We moved in slightly similar work circles and she was always brilliant so I'd check in now and again and see where she was... no one knew that she secretly struggled with mental illness for years and last year she threw herself out of a very high window, which is unimaginable.

Just to say.. i don't know. Things don't shake out how you think they will. People come and go.

6:06 p.m. - 2019-03-03