The thing about having a parent who drinks is: I am constantly, consciously or sub-consciously, trying to keep everything perfect and be everything you need me to be so you won't drink. And every day I think you've somehow miraculously reached that place and it's going to be okay and we're going to all live happily ever after. But underneath, I'm constantly vigilant for a sign that things are not okay, or that you're drinking. And then no matter what is happening i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop while hoping/trying to believe that there will be no dropping of shoes. My dad has currently gone for a walk. Is it a walk? Is it a "walk"? when will he come back? in what state will he be when he gets back?

It is a state of hoping and believing and trying not to be cynical and trying not to be mad, because it's a sickness, but also it's all just a huge drag and it's always about getting let down after all; but then sometimes it isn't and a walk is just a walk and i feel bad but also I AM FUCKING TRAUMATIZED

6:48 p.m. - 2018-05-27