things on my mind -

had a beauty trip to TZ and then Ethiopia.. the first mostly worky, but productive. I met an old friend and we went out for beers but didn't get completely trashed, just caught up, mature-like. The second leg in Eth was quite magical as i have so many tendrils left in Addis and when I go i can just reconnect with bits of my old life. I went to the salon and saw a woman who i've known there for years - we picked up our conversation as though it hadn't been years. She is pregnant and married, and clearly frustrated about the difference between her boyfriend and her husband (same guy). Later as I walked down the street a taxi driver I used to know ran down to meet me and reconnect - i don't think i'd seen him in 7 years - and it was such a reminder about being open and friends and a good person as i move through the world because it all can circle back.

On Friday night I found myself at running through torrential rain to my friend's family's house, then taking off my shoes and putting on an old pair of rubber slippers (chappals, my father would say in urdu), and helping to lay out all the food on a cloth on a floor - dates to start, and tiny samosas, and soup. The family came in from the storm in waves for Iftar. Q's brothers i've known for almost 10 years and their kids. There are all kinds of rifts within that family, bad ones, but they still come together for Ramadan, and that felt right.

I sat on the floor, leaning on cushions, and chatted to one of the brothers and his friend as the family prayed. Then we ate and ate (them: first meal all day. Me: greedy). Modern life woven with threads of ancient traditions. Someone just saw a documentary on Burning M@n, so I shared stories from my burner friends (I never made it.. some regret there). Q's mother, probably close to 80, told me about her trip to DC and we talked about all the Ethiopians here (so many!) and she cracked me up when she said, "especially on Uber!", cause she's so old and small and dressed in her traditional clothing but i can also totally see her calling her uber on her iphone. We finished with a coffee ceremony, complete with beans roasted and smoke wafted to each of us in turn to share the aroma, and Qs mother said a blessing, which someone kindly translated for me. I was grateful to be there. Later we went to Qs treehouse, with so much amazing art on the walls. We smoked a spliff and talked about all the things and drank tea made out of roses.

*
I came back and BT was here for a few days. I was so thrilled about it and we had a great time, biked all over the place, great food, etc. but.. you know, why did he come? Because i called and said, "why don't you come this weekend" and then i made it happen. So it wasn't like he initiated it as much as he went along with it. I'm not complaining, i'm just trying to see all this clearly. Because we had this great time* and then he went home on Tuesday and called me up this morning to ask how i'd feel if he slept with this friend of his who is visiting this weekend. Nothing serious, you understand. Just cause she's in town and he's always been attracted to her, and the other day we tangentially talked about open relationships.

So that was kind of blindsiding. I tried to be open to it, said i'd think about it, but also - wtf, don't you think it makes more sense to maybe give me enough time to think about it, not call on Friday morning before the weekend that she's going to be here? Or maybe what he wants is actually spontaneity, who knows, i'm not sure anymore. I have no idea what our arc is at this point, but mostly what i do know is that this is one of the only things he's called and explicitly raised as an issue in a long time, so it feels somewhat significant, and isn't that a sign that this is what he thinks is important enough to talk about and not all the rest of it? But also, it's brave to raise these things, and honest. So there's that.

*
All this in the context of: when i was in addis, a job popped up, a promotion from where i am now, but it's based in Eth, which would mean being gone for 3 years and most likely the end of this relationship w/ BT but also... [all of the above].

*

*in the course of the weekend i learned that one of our friends has been having a longtime affair and now that couple is dealing with the fallout of all of it and of course BT and I felt momentarily virtuous, but it also opened a conversation about evolving desires and open relationships and if that's a good idea or not. We left it as probably a good option if a couple's in a good place but potentially a nuclear option when you're in a bad place. [i would classify us as not in a good place but hell maybe that's just me feeling unfulfilled over here on my own]

10:55 a.m. - 2018-05-25