GRE is written, and i have a week to get my grad school applications in... How do i get into these impossible situations?

Sometimes I just get so stressed over how things have to be perfect, or nearly so, that I freeze and can't tackle them at all.

And instead just write journal entries about said stress. beh.

I am in my pyjamas. At 2pm. And they are the pyjamas I slept in two nights ago, didn't take off all day yesterday and then slept in last night.

How gross am i? But in a comfy way?

No, just pretty gross, hey?

*
Thinking more about perfectionism and how important it is to me to seem perfect. Which is ridiculous, because nobody is perfect and I, especially, am very not perfect.

I am always late and disorganized and forgetful and I'm increasingly realizing the degree to which I am self-centred.

But I always feel that it's okay, as long as a few people can get past those things to the core me and... I don't know. Like me? Need me?

I guess I need people to have a certain perception of me, which is ridiculous because of course no one really thinks all that hard about anyone but themselves.

And anyway, I can't be everything to everyone. At some point I won't/don't come through the way people need me to, which is what I was so terrified about when I imagined coming home. Because here I am, back to a place where I have emotional attachments, and therefore I can let people down again.

And the thing is - of course they can deal with it. We all let each other down all the time.

But I'm afraid of it. So I always just end up bailing before anyone can realize that I'm not perfect.

Which, of course, they already know. Which is why none of this makes any sense. BUT I GET IT! I'm such an idiot. A maudlin idiot.

Wonderful... three weeks at home and i'm already living in my pyjamas and delving into my head. [but i'm still happy to be here! I'm going to go make toast(!)]

2:11 p.m. - 2005-01-21