nice to have this journal back.

i swam for an hour last night and today i dragged my dad out to join my mum and me for a long walk in the -20 degree blizzard. He wasn't particularly grateful, but the dog was happy.

I'm just so used to walking all over the place and I can't get used to being home and driving around through the snow. It's not about being healthy, or I wouldn't have eaten cheesies (!) for lunch. i'm just restless.

I had plans for tonight and they're being threatened by the road conditions.

Bah, Canada.

*

my mother made prune muffins

??

Also: Life Aquatic? Two thumbs up. I even liked it better than the Royal Tenenbaums. Mostly cause of the fish.

3:17 p.m. - 2005-01-22

GRE is written, and i have a week to get my grad school applications in... It is so impossible. How do i get into these situations?

Sometimes I just get so stressed over how things have to be perfect, or nearly so, that I freeze and can't tackle them at all.

And instead just write journal entries about said stress. beh.

I am in my pyjamas. At 2pm. And they are the pyjamas I slept in two nights ago, didn't take off all day yesterday and then slept in last night.

How gross am i? But in a comfy way.

Pretty gross, hey?

*
Thinking more about perfectionism and how important it is to me to seem perfect. Which is funny, because nobody is perfect and I, especially, am very not perfect.

And okay, I am always late and I'm messy and disorganized and forgetful and I'm increasingly realizing the degree to which I am self-centred.

But I always feel that those things are fine, as long as people... I don't know. Like me? Need me?

I guess I need people to have a certain perception of me, which is ridiculous because of course no one really thinks all that hard about anyone but themselves.

And anyway, I can't be everything to everyone. At some point I don't come through the way people need me to, which is what I was so terrified about when I imagined coming home. Because here I am, back to a place where I have emotional attachments, and therefore I can let people down again.

And the thing is - of course they can deal with it.

But I always just end up bailing before I can let people down.

Trying not to do that right now. Who cares. Only me when I'm tired and therefore maudlin.

Wonderful... three weeks at home and i'm already living in my pyjamas and delving into my head. [but i'm still happy to be here! I'm going to go make toast(!)]

2:11 p.m. - 2005-01-21