my advisor is retiring soon and they just posted his job. [I told J, and he said, "You should take his job, and then you can advise yourself and be finished this PhD"].

A few people have suggested I apply for his job and it just threw everything up in the air for me. Stay here instead of moving back to Canada? It's a *perfect* job for me. But what would it mean?

BT would never go for it. It's the first thing I am sure about. I don't know what I want, but he is very clear about what he doesn't want, and he doesn't want to move, especially not to the US.

So now I have a lot of questions swirling around my head, and they are BIG. Like: is my relationship w/ BT sure enough to justify scaling back my focus on my career? What would/does he give up for me? Should anyone ever give up anything for anyone? Will I be happy putting my career second to my personal life? Do I even have a personal life? Do I even have a career? i could keep going. What do I want? Do I want kids? Can BT and I build a life together? In Mtl? Is that the place? It all sort of spirals.

I don't know the answer to any of these questions, so I put on my headphones and sip my [decaf, ugh] coffee, and just analyse my data and wait for clarity in all the things.

2:09 p.m. - 2016-03-10