watching the most important thing in my life self destruct. wracking sobs all the way home. i never cry like that; sobs so deep they were coming from the soles of my feet.

this has been the longest, slowest train wreck ever, and just when i looks like we're reconstructing, it turns out that it's all deeper and so much more fragile than i thought.

how did we get to this point, and why can't i just let him go, since it seems that's what he wants?

i can't get over the belief that i must have contributed to this somehow.

we're going to be so distant and i really can't bear it.

why not?

and does anyone else find that their tears actually sting their faces? Mine always feel like they're laced with acid and they burn as the run down my face. like right now. i just don't know
a) how we got here
and b) how we're going to get out. if we're going to get out.

8:50 a.m. - 2002-12-19