and. AND.

fuck.

we mourn people so much when they die. It's partly that we miss them, but mostly it becomes about us. Curse the things we said and regret the words we didn't say, and we examine the 'what-ifs,' and generally just feel wretched about lost opportunities.

and in some ways i feel like he already has died, since there are so many regrets. More than that. Puzzlements and disappointments. and HOW DID WE GET HERE?

but, he hasn't died. He's right here, and everything proactive i've ever known is pulling together to try to resolve it so I WON'T miss him and i WON'T look back and ache with regret.

so much easier said than done.

i keep screwing up. we all do. and it will keep happening and happening and he'll drift further and further out until we've really lost him for good. whose fault? i'll wonder forever.

*

the worst part: not knowing. i feel like we can save it, and i'm trying and trying and there will never be a point where it's okay to just give up on it. I shudder to imagine what such a point would look like.

i need someone to look ahead ten years, tell me how it worked out.

i dont mind putting up with all of this if it means we get to keep him in the end and live happily ever after.

but if he's going to be gone anyway, i'd rather just do it bandaid-like and get the hurtlikehell over with right now, miss him like crazy - the best parts of him, anyway - and then start to heal.

*

i'm such a tear/snot ball right now. i'm so gross.

8:59 a.m. - 2002-12-19