i'm here. I've been loving the cold weather.. first in Ottawa - pulling on my longjohns early in the morning and the cozy feeling of the early darkness. A time for projects and simmering things on the stove. I cooked for my sister - for the freezer - a green soup with coconut milk and a nourishing chicken soup for after the delivery. A lentil pie with a puff pastry crust for dinner, and a tourtiere to freeze for christmas.

Every day I walked somewhere, pushing the stroller.. to the park, to the grocery store, to the daycare. I loved the simple, quiet rhythm of the days with that little family. I split tallcans of craft beers with my brother in law (one more? ok one more) I pushed a joyous baby V on the swings at the park, I read in my room off the kitchen, listening to V pattering around with her more-or-less constant toddler commentary and little songs. I spent some really really nice time just hanging with my sister. I waited for the new baby but he did not oblige. When i felt swamped by my longing for that life i thought I'd have, i didn't push it down. I let it seep up to the surface and i gathered it in a place near my heart, a glowing, pulsing light, all the love that has nowhere to go right now. Repeated and repeated and slowly i felt how i could hold that light and that grief and i felt something ease and break open in my chest.

Now back in DC. We've had some beautiful bluebird sunny cold days. I am happiest on my bike, flying down the hill. Slogging back up with my paniers loaded is less fun but feels good. Been on a few dates, sort of checking out that scene because i hate the thought of never making out with anyone again. Met some cool people, most recently a bluegrass musician from WV. We drank beers at a brewery and looked at records and it was a nice afternoon and I have a beautiful yellow rose next to my bed.

i am having a 40th birthday party tomorrow.. couple of friends coming in from Toronto and from Brooklyn. E and J are hosting --- J sent around the invites and E is helping with cleaning and cocktails. Feels so good to have my community around me for this milestone. In two weeks I go to Portugal with two dear friends. Finally hung my yellow curtains, which makes the whole room so warm, and i put up my pictures and prints. Going to spend the afternoon cooking. it's going to be so nice to have everyone here tomorrow night.

8:58 a.m. - 2019-12-13