Awoke so unhappy and ready to go home. Nothing specific, just over it. The work is interesting but never ending. Still believe in it but is this the right place for me? This is too much time away, it will never end, and meanwhile BT is talking to his therapist about how he is eating dinner with the bowl of chocolates his girlfriend left on the kitchen table (a not so subtle treat to make up for my absence) and he is wondering, "how did I get here" and i am wondering, "how did I get here" and really what is the kind of life that i want, that he wants, that we want? we had an okay talk about it while I ate dinner and he ate lunch. I don't even know what the call cost, but I was sick of dealing with the shitty internet and just called him.

to be honest, i don't know any other way to be. I've been doing this for 15 years. I do not even know how to start thinking about other options. Trying to remember that i have the capacity for duality of feelings - I can want this thing and mourn the absence of these other things - or whatever i learned long ago in therapy but it's hard. I feel a bit stunted in terms of emotional intelligence right now. No space for it.

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i still have some kind of worm/parasite. possibly this is contributing to my general malaise and exhaustion. Would be nice to just eat a meal and not have it come back to haunt me. My sister is going through the same feelings of nausea all the time but at least she gets a baby out of it.

10:40 a.m. - 2017-07-24