oh, i've been dying for internet to keep track of stuff, and it's SO bad luck that i got it today when i'm just feeling hot and tired and my stomach hurts and i'm a bit worried that food won't stay in my stomach.

And i just saw the cook from the restaurant leave the toilet without washing his hands (and when will that public health message kick in???), and i hate flies and i'm frustrated with quite a few things but i don't want to write them all down because i generally think india's great and i don't want people to think i'm badmouthing it, or form the wrong opinion about this place.

But. Argh. Okay, mostly i think i'm just tired because E and i took an overnight bus from Mumbai to Aurangabad, but the bus left an hour late, and then took TWO HOURS to get out of the city - i've just realized that i had no real concept of 'traffic' until i arrived here. And then just when i settled down to sleep, the beginning strains of.. *geh* a hindi movie drifted over the bus speakers and were quickly cranked to A Deafening Volume. So no sleep and then a full day crammed with sight seeing.

And even then it would be fine, because people have been mostly wonderful all day and we had a great rickshaw driver and saw the most beautiful caves - gigantic temples and monastic cells hewn from rock a thousand years ago.

But people here stare a lot. Far worse than anywhere else I've travelled. Everyone stares, and it isn't considered rude, and it's usually fine, if a bit disconcerting. But the young men stare differently. It's a long stare. And it starts to feel harassing after a while. And usually it's fine, but today is India's Independence Day, and everywhere is twice as crowded than usual, and there are more people to stare, and there's nowhere to go to escape it.

And then we were walking up a dark staircase to get to the top of a castle, and my friend got groped. Twice. Obnoxiously. Going up AND going down, and there was nothing we could do because we couldn't identify which sniggering asshole adolescent was responsible, and apparently we were at fault since we were travelling without the requisite Male Protector.

And in hindsight, we should have just punched him in the face, but we didn't, and we spent a long time wondering why we didn't. Or why we didn't scream when they first started crowding in on us. And i felt guilty for dragging her through that staircase because i wanted to get to the top of the castle. And my friend felt guilty for wearing a t-shirt and not covering up with a raincoat.

And it's all just frustrating. This constant watching to make sure that we don't put ourselves in a position where something might happen: walking up a goddamn crowded stairwell in the goddamn middle of the day.

It made E and I want to stay with groups (as everyone tells us we should), and not venture out alone. But that's not right! Why shouldn't we go see a national monument by ourselves? What is this system? Who were those people? What made them think they could get away with it? How did they get away with it?

I'm back to wrestling with my gender/culture challenge. Patriarchy. This is the result of patriarchy... a system run by males, a system where women are constantly taken less seriously than their penis-endowed peers.

Should we (i.e. Western women) be stronger advocates of more gender equality in countries like India? Well yeah, but is it possible to make a simple statement like that? No it's not. Because gender is so tied up with culture. And who are we to judge the rights and wrongs of another culture? It is impossible for us to judge from an unbiased perspective. And can we say that we've got it right?

We, with our broken families and lonely elders and kids left alone and obesity and lifestyle diseases and massive consumption and environment degradation and profit on the backs of the rest of the world.

But here... people cut in front of me in line because i'm female. They grab my friend's breast because it's dark and they can get away with it. Men are less involved in the rearing of their children. They don't know how to cook. They don't manage their households (even when their wives are working, which many do in this India of female engineers, doctors, and lawyers).

Is this Indian way truly wrong, or does it just seem like it is because I'm examining it through Western eyes? Am I being eurocentric? If we promote "equality" are we really promoting western culture? Is this cultural imperialism?

In my heart, I know that improvements can only come through education, improved health and living standards, and etc. etc. etc. But i see the depth of poverty here and I realize that it will never happen. Rich people here live in fear.. they wall their houses, protest equalizing legislation, and protect their interests no matter what.

The same thing that we do as Western nations.

I don't have a point here... just frustration with the world we're in. Even if all of these street kids went to school, met their potential... what would they do??? We [humanity] don't have enough jobs or wealth to go around unless we [The West] take a huge cut in our way of life.

And i don't see that happening any time soon.

end of rant.

10:33 p.m. - 2003-08-15