Friends visiting with their 4-month-old and i fall into bed exhausted at the end of every day, desperate for some time alone. Woah, babies, how does anyone do that? She sure is cute when she smiles and then I can see why. Sort of. I'm not much of a tiny baby person. Give me a 5-year-old any day and I'm cool.

She's a very good baby, actually, and my friend is so great with her. But last night when the baby started to cry, my 39-year-old roommate looked at me with panic in his eyes and said, "i feel like I'm on an airplane". I laughed at him, but it's true, that's pretty much it for baby contact for me these days.

We are so insulated. Childless students, in our 30s, partners living in other countries, no babies on the immediate horizons of our lives. This is a source of rising panic for me, relentlessly squelched down whenever it bubbles to the surface. I can't do it right now, BT can't do it, we can't do it. OK. I make jokes about it sometimes, about stuffing my empty womb back down where I can't feel it. Oddly, this helps.

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in the meantime, trying trying trying to get some writing done and it is so hard. There's always something coming up - a class, a visitor, a lecture, Mardi Gras. Excuses, excuses and I see I will never finish if I can't even start, and now heading off to an unearned vacation with family. Planned months ago, and i'm looking forward to the time with everyone but also GAH I JUST NEED TO WORK. blah blah academic whinging. I can't even listen to myself.

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been cooking and baking a lot. Irish Soda Bread, oatmeal chocolate cookies, hummus, an amazing pesto I invented with swiss chard, miso, almonds, and cilantro. Sunny days. Music in the french quarter. Colourful Mardi Gras beads, feathers everywhere. Focusing on these small beautiful things. The day-to-day is fine, but the future looks murkier than ever before.

1:21 p.m. - 2013-02-18