worked all day and i'm one step closer to finishing... if i can just get this paper done, i can relax.

i am feeling more accepting of my 20 minutes of disaster on Saturday. But I'm not okay with it. And I'm puzzled. Like "huh? i didn't get something i wanted? what?" However, i guess i have no choice but to keep going. As recommended, I'm taking deep breaths, and keeping it in perspective and all of that.

As i wrote in an email: it's just really hard when you fuck things up. Specifically, when you screw up something good... you feel it slipping beyond your grasp and you don't know what went wrong or how to save it and you're not even sure it's worth it.

[By "you," i mean "i"]

And i feel like i've done that a lot lately. Mostly as if all the bad and lazy and careless things that I've gotten away with forever have suddenly caught up with me. And suddenly i just can't count on a laugh or a joke or sheer luck to get me out of them.

It's karma catching up to me.

God, being vague in here gets so bad that *I* don't even know what i'm talking about.

It's just the interviews and the friendships and the relationships and it feels like nothing is clicking the way it used to and i must have done something wrong and it might have something to do with these run-on sentences.

And i'm SURE that the problem is not only me. But is it?

Why can't everyone just adore me? That would make it easier, wouldn't it?

1:59 a.m. - 2003-04-16