well. that was one of the worst twenty minutes that i've ever had.

learned the whole course in 36 hours, and by SOME MIRACLE, walked into the exam and

fuck.

i've been trying to write this entry and i keep backspacing, cause i just can't because my hands are shaking too badly.

Key points:

big exam i need to graduate
learned whole course in 24 hours
by some miracle, knew the material on the final.
was extremely happy because i am NEVER the recipient of miracles.
maybe lost my panic-edge and thus didn't follow the FIRST RULE of exam writing, which is to write down everything you know.
thought it was 4pm.
was really 5 pm.
exam ends at 5pm
ran out of time. with 4 major questions to answer. All of which I knew how to do.

i don't think i'm going to graduate. And i can't talk to anyone cause they're all going to give me fucking platitudes about how they're sure i passed. And really? i know myself, i know what i needed to pass. And i didn't.

And i can't graduate.

oh. and then i came here. and checked my email, hoping for friendly words.

instead i found an email informing me that i didn't get the internship i wanted. and it doesn't matter that some things about it were lame, cause i would have done it anyway, just for the chance to live in india. But i didn't get it. and i'm not going to india.

i might have turned it down.. but at least i would have had the option. Now i just feel like a failure. I had two things that were mine to have - a cool job and a degree - and all i had to do was come through for myself. and i didn't.

i will not cry. i have no time for it, cause i've got one more to write on monday. No crying. Brittleness and careful and move on.

i will breathe very shallow breaths and move very slowly and not look at anyone and then i won't shatter.

5:09 p.m. - 2003-04-12