As i've said before, i have endometriosis. Who would have thought i'd have a chronic illness at 21? huh.
Sometimes i worrry that it will affect my fertility, and i have a panic attack and i want to run out and get pregnant RIGHT NOW.
Because one day it won't be about condoms and pills and that little worry at the back of my mind "whatif the condom was torn-what if i missed a pill-whatifwhatifwhatif?"
one day i will be ready, and i am already so excited for that moment that i have a little person growing inside of me. imagine it! something will be alive in me! it will kick!
but really, because of my medical history, the chances are that i am going to have a lot of trouble conceiving, and that terrifies me. you'll probably all read about me and my octuplets in a few years.
joy.
although twins would be cool.
So this morning i was fine. And then, halfway through my shift, i felt them creeping up on me - the excruciating cramps that make me double over in pain. I started hyperventilating, forced myself to breathe slowly. iiiiiinnnnnnn ooooooouuuuuuuut iiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn oooooouuuuuuut. someone walked by chewing gum, and the smell brought on nausea - i ran to the bathroom and threw up everything i'd eaten. The first of many trips. i hate throwing up. i hate that yellow stuff (heh. i'm in health.. i know exactly what it is.. i can even tell you what it's for, its chemical composition and how it's produced. but i like calling it yellow stuff). It felt like someone was pushing my insides through a meat grinder. i don't even know what a meat grinder looks like, but that's what it felt like.
long story short - i dragged myself to health services... they looked at my face and rushed me through. i saw myself in the mirror... i was white.
i'm not white.
[if this had happened when i was ten and my all white classmates were making fun of me for my colour.. i'd have been thrilled.]
but i digress.
finally, the doctor came over... AND THE PAIN STOPPED. i couldn't believe it. Pischina knows what i'm talking about. (can't do links right now. go find it yourself)
I was so mad... i'd been so sick for hours, and now i was FINE???? I was explaining it to him, and he was looking kind of skeptical, and i wishing with all my might that it would come back so i could show him what i meant... and then ... it came back. And i realized what an idiot i was to wish for it.
So they gave me shot of demerol and gravol. As i walked home, i felt I could track its dispersion through my system - my steps got sluggish, my mind slowly clouded over.
and now i'm sitting here typing through a fog. The pain is slowly slowly receding and soon i will sleep. The fact that i can still feel twinges through a fucking strong painkiller tells me how bad it really was. i kind of blocked it out for a while - i was just in a red haze of pain.
now, it's there, but it's muffled. i told john that it's like when someone tries to tickle you through a blanket; it doesn't quite tickle, but you still wish it would stop.
today is my anniversary of one week without smoking.
good night.
981430976 - 2001-02-05
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