1:48 a.m.
well. i have pretty much decided i'm leaving again in September. it's not so much that there's nothing here for me... it's just that i love the idea of being back in a place where there's a hilarious surprise around every corner.

and my life here just seems so artificial sometimes. Half the relationships around me seem so self-centred that I'm convinced they just exist in our heads for the sake of convenience. it seems like people can turn love and loyalty on or off at will. I hadn't done it before, but now i realize i have that power as well. It's disconcerting. I thought that love was absolute and you know what? It. totally. isn't!

I had no idea! Or maybe i did, and that's why i've always run so hard.

i do sort of feel like when i leave this time, it will be for good. Everyone has a first time to leave home and travel, and it's all fun and adventures.

This is different. I'm talking about turning it into a lifestyle. And it's scarier because it seems so lonely. Last time I knew i'd come back to something... and if i wish hard enough, i can believe that's true; that things here are the same as they were when i left.

But i know that I'm going to move to New Orleans in September and then i'll start working internationally... and then when/if i eventually come back it will be to a completely changed landscape. I won't be able to pretend it's the same.

I used to believe I was strong enough to do that on my own, but for some reason it's harder now. I know i can, i just have to find that self again. She's feeling a little crushed and lost at the moment.

2006-02-24

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