11:10 a.m.
I went out to a party full of people I didn't know.. it was the first time in a while. And oh, it ended so badly with a big fight and tears and I'm back in my bed huddled under the sheets.

But it’s different this time because I am not going to fall apart again. I won’t.

I am more than the sum of all the people that I know.

Life is too short for this drama.

*

I’ve been trying so hard to understand my own expectations of my friends. My expectations seem so rational to me, and I feel so frustrated and angry and sad when people can't meet them. And here I am facing another person’s expectations which I deem unrealistic and unfair.

It finally becomes apparent that we all do consider what other people want and need, and we weigh those expectations against our own value systems and decide what is reasonable and what is not.

She has taken to an extreme what I’ve been struggling with in my own relationships: What can you reasonably expect from someone else? What do other people *owe* you, in exchange for your unswavering support and friendship or whatever you give?

I finally understand what my yoga friend keeps telling me: you CAN’T have expectations of people. You have no right to expect anything. They are who they are. They aren’t you. They will do what they think is right, and you have to be okay with that because they can’t be bent to your will.

If you love them and you want them in your life then you can talk about the points where you collide. Then you take them or you leave them, because you can't make them change.

i'm not sure how, but this all ties into what I have been learning so slowly and painfully all year - That you can’t own the people in your life. People will go where they need to, according to their own value systems. Some will stick and others won’t and that has to be okay because you don’t have any choice. Trying to hold onto them will make you crazy.

I need a cup of coffee.

2006-01-22

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