11:22 p.m. from there i raced to floor hockey and i did quite well (at being well, not at the game... we eventually lost 15-1) until I went and quietly puked after my last shift. then i went for beers [replacement calories]. i've been so weepy... i started crying while talking to the doctor and he referred me for counselling, which has started to look like a good idea. Today I remembered that I felt like this once before, three years ago, in my last term of school. That was not a good time. Is it the idea of leaving again? I'm back to drawing lines in the sand to keep myself emotionally in check. I have things I can't think about, people I can't call, things I have to do every day. Do other people have to make rules for themselves to keep their heads sane? I'm going to spend some time alone. I'm not allowed to make any plans after work for the rest of the week. I'm going to the gym every night. I'll read. I'm going to get myself back. Last time I only felt better once I'd run away. It's starting to look tempting: i could go to New Orleans in the fall, and I bet I'd be happy there. Why can't I be happy here? |
