11:51 p.m. Somehow the juxtaposition of my lives always jars something loose from my subconscious. Either on the bus or on the long drives along dark, empty highways, a perfectly crystallized thought suddenly floats up to the surface; an answer to a question I didn't know I was pondering. Tonight, I drove along the 400, listening to college radio, content with my world, and I thought: It's been years since I've really been close to anyone. okay. it took me the rest of the drive to figure out the question: why is it so hard to let myself be close to this lovely, intriguing new person? * it's complicated. What is it, to be close? i love and i am loved. I rely and I am relied upon. I have family and friends who love me. I am rich this way. But. but but but... safely? I'm not quite sure, but it's something about the type of relationships I have forged as an adult. They are not quite unconditional. They are more rational and more considerate of boundaries, which makes them inevitably more distant. I learned the conventions and rules of relationships and I play that game and I play it well. Do i miss the uncertainty and emotion of the other way? Is that what I mean by close? Because in that case, i might just mean "drama" or am I missing something here? |
