12:08 a.m.
February: you were a slow sweet ride full of all things sensual and decadent and irresponsible and now you are over and i need to snap out of this stupor.

March seems destined to be less fun, but perhaps the sunshine will make it all bearable. Tomorrow morning I will water my lettuce and plant potatoes in a five-gallon jug.

*

I recently realized that for many years I was in a nontraditional, but nonetheless romantic, relationship. How did I not recognize it for what it was? I don't think I'm rewriting history, but in hindsight it seems shockingly clear. In any case, I have been thinking about it lately and it was formative and I am grateful for the many things I learned.

All of this to say: I am not worried anymore. I have been. I have been deep-down sick inside, panicked about moving so much, about making the wrong decisions, about regrets, about being isolated, about my dogs eating me when i die alone in my basement and no one notices.

and now... it's just evaporated. I noticed it disappearing about a year ago and I've only gotten stronger. I'm not going to say that i'm not lonely sometimes. I am. But not in a fearful, ashamed, unhappy kind of way. Instead, I'm just doing my thing and most of the time it's interesting and I'm living and learning and I love many people and they love me and it's all going to work out. I think they call it... self-esteem?

2009-03-10

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