2:18 p.m.

I left my life at the end of march and headed to NYC for a week vacation and then Toronto for another week before coming here, to the Philippines... I've now been away for nearly 3 months and I think it's useful to note that this is the point when I become unhappy.

Interesting and challenging work can only take one so far. Three months, moving around, is too short to make a life and too long from my existing life. I no longer bother to go out at night or talk to people. This is not a good thing, but I can't make myself go hang out with random people for an evening, even though I know that a night of dancing would probably be good for me and it wouldn’t be that hard to sit on a patio with a beer and start chatting with someone.

I do have a couple of friends here, and it's always nice to see them, but the other days I end up at home watching bootleg DVDs, which is really not me. I am not a television watcher. Watching TV makes me crazy. It’s a drug. I turn it on and suddenly hours have gone by and I’m groggy and have bedsores.

Sometimes I make myself go swimming or do yoga (bringing my mat = smartest move), but it's harder and harder to motivate myself to even do those things. I don't know why, but it seems impossible to go up 10 floors to the roof to swim, even though I know it will make me feel better. This is all exacerbated by my tendency not to eat real meals when I’m alone. I do eat, but not well… A real meal every day or two and then an apple or a bowl of cereal here and there. I know that I just need to get dressed and walk out the door and get a meal. There are lots of things to do: there’s a film festival, there are markets and restaurants and museums and art galleries.

But I can go a whole weekend without talking to anyone.

I’m sitting here, taking deep breaths, saying to myself: “count to ten. Stand up. Drink 2 glasses of water. Brush your teeth. Put on your shoes. Go out the door. Go for a walk in the rain. Find a place with good sushi or noodles. Browse at a used bookstore. Go.”

2008-06-22

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