8:30 p.m.
this week i've been woah woah all OVER the place.

Working 10-12 hours a day hasn't helped my state of mind. Today I came into work and EVERYONE I talked to noted how great I looked, but honestly all I did was wash my hair and make sure all my clothes were clean. egh... it makes me wonder how i've been looking. not much sleep, not eating properly. next week will be better, i resolve. I wonder why all my resolutions start on Mondays? I like my unrealistic expectations to be neatly packaged, with a healthy dose of procrastinations.

i feel good about writing again. there are things in my mind and i have nowhere to place them. Last year I asked a bunch of people what they sound like in their heads when they're thinking. I couldn't figure out what *I* sound like in my head because every time i thought about it, i'd distort it.. but last night I realize that when i'm really thinking about myself, about how i feel, my voice in my head is me writing in Narcissa.

oh, it feels like all my friends have babies and I'm so wistful. A close friend told me his g/f was pregnant this week, waiting a looooooooooooooong three seconds, then told me he was joking. But in those three seconds my stomach totally dropped and my primary feeling was... jealousy? panic. another one. i wasn't thinking about him, i was thinking about me.

i want that. but it isn't going to happen any time soon, that's for sure.

at the same time that i've had these cravings for home-and-family, i've been working on a six-week contract with *NICEF and I have to admit I'm proud of myself. There is so much satisfaction in being here. I walk up the stairs into the hospital, or sit at a table with a bunch of community health workers, and think that I've wanted to do this for my whole life. Seriously, I wanted this when we were collecting pennies at halloween in grade school.

And yeah, I'm only on contract.. but getting this far makes me feel that if I wanted to, I could find a way to do this permanently. But then at the same time, working at this level shines a light on all the reasons that I don't believe in this kind of international development.

Sometimes I think about the community perspectives of the work I did in India and I feel so guilty that I haven't really tried to incorporate that into my work. I'm so top-down right now.. I'm The Man.
Well. in a relative way... in the international development field. The degree to which ID is The Man is totally debateable. IT's not like I work for Halliburton, right?

2008-05-28

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