3:16 p.m.
i have developed an unhealthy habit of simply refusing to recognize my feelings... as though denying them will make them disappear. I have never accepted the fact that there are things that I will feel which are beyond the control of my rational brain: fear, love, desire (lust?), shame. i don't want any of them, but they're there.

Today I begged a drive to school from my roommate because the torrential rain and tornado warning made my usual bike ride imprudent. I hate asking for things, and the shame of having to ask for a ride reminded me that the transit situation in New Orleans is untenable. I am going to have to buy a car... but then I spent an hour dealing with student loan people this afternoon and the impossibilities of money started to mount. I didn't ask for it, but my father wired 500$ into my bank account yesterday. I have been trying to downplay the money thing, but I think he heard the stress in my voice and just did it. It was so needed and so welcome that I was overwhelmed.

500$ should not be a make or break amount.

i started to describe the situation to someone over the phone and all of a sudden I was crying. I had no idea that money was weighing so heavily on my mind. I want it to go away, but I think this is going to be a fact of life for the next few years.

So okay, I'm stressed about money. I'm a 28-year-old a grad student, it's expected. The part I hate is that I just had no idea that I felt that way.

If someone had asked me about money yesterday, I'd have told them that it's tight, but I'm fine, I'm dealing, I'm not too worried. But today it's clear that in fact I am not fine. I am worried. I have been for a long time. And the stress is so close to the surface that it can bring me to tears in seconds.

This is denial of feelings is a recurring theme this month. I suspect that in fact I am not happy with my living situation, I have a fairly serious romantic interest, i am worried about my sister and parents and feel distant from all of them, and I was actually extremely panicked about the status of my doctoral application until I found out last week that I got in. Okay, there. I wrote down how I really feel.

Now I feel vulnerable, with all that out there: roommate, romance, family, career. those are the things that comprise my soul. things are not on an even keel these days. Not even a little bit. But better to be vulnerable than in denial.

2008-02-21

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