10:59 p.m.
i often think i should stop writing here, but then there's nowhere else to go and i do have things to say and i think there's been a long enough hiatus that I can come back and be a bit anonymous again.

so.. where have i been? it doesn't matter. i'm back to me. disappeared for a while when, amongst other things, i accidentally fell into a very credible semblance of in-love with my best friend and that was sort of sad in the way it felt so obviously comfortable and right and simultaneously so utterly impossible and frustrating.

stepped waaaaaaaay back to look at where i was headed and then decided to get over it, but it was harder than i expected. It turns out that it's impossible not to take it personally when someone knows you so so so well and doesn't want you.

[How could he not want me, i asked myself, baffled. He *knows* me. And therein was the crisis]

*

that back and forth, so strange. he said something once a long time ago... i paraphrase: "i closed that door a long time ago, when you went away. i always knew that one day you'd look back and regret your choice"

and that tormented me. was this it? was i going to regret that when we were at school i thought we were a terrible idea? was he really saying that he was it, my one chance, and i'd missed it and i was going to regret it?

and then... then it didn't matter anymore. i can see my life stretching forward and it seems quite interesting, actually; there's this future with backpacking and picnics full of funny random foods and reading the paper and watching fireworks and playing cards and finishing crosswords and camping and dancing and funny jokes and good talks and things to say and listening and having someone listen and impromptu car trips and rando adventures and i got my equilibrium back because i'd completely forgotten that those things are part of me and i bring them with me when i move.

So this has been a somewhat significant time.. the end of an era, a bit, that i didn't even recognize was in my head. My sister, a bit wistfully: "so you're really not going to end up marrying him?" and me: "no. i'm really not" and no twinges in sight.

moving on.

*

i just walked home through the most perfect blue twilight and looked at old houses and smelled lilacs still heavy in the air, and cigars and -strangely- sandalwood, and felt almost... benevolent with how content i am right now.

*

i do wish my clothes were folded and not all over my floor, though.

2006-06-08

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