Today i woke up to warm, yellow sun streaming through my blinds, onto my face. It was heavenly - the beginning of Spring. I love waking up to sun on my face.. it's like waking up to a kiss. i considered how bright the sun already was, thought about how much warmer it was going to get, and that was it: i took the morning off in Honour of Spring. i woke up three hours later, dressed in yellow, ate my breakfast on a picnic table that has been buried in snow since November, went for a long walk.
Later i met some girls at school. We've just started to be friends outside of class, and i really like them. i want them to be my friends: my best friends are gone, and i'm lonely. We had plans to go for lunch, then work on a project. We went to the dean's office first, and i had to leave for five seconds to mail something. They promised they would wait. When i got back, they were Gone.
I looked upstairs. Downstairs. Maybe they were in the washroom? No. I sat on a bench, picked up a newspaper, tried to read it. They would come back.
right?
ten minutes stretched to fifteen, then twenty, and they were nowhere in sight.
I was crushed. I'm older, and i may appear more confident, but it doesn't take much to send me back ten years.
� i remember my first day of grade four at a new school. we played hide and seek, and everyone forgot to look for me. i thought i was the best hider, crouched under the steps. i sprinted to home free, victorious, glowing� and found the game had ended ten minutes before. everyone was playing basketball.
i was the smart kid, a little awkward, always reading, just different...
I remember another time, at an amusement park. there were three of us - my two best friends and i. There was always a little bit of rivalry, i guess it's inevitable in any threesome. We split up for a ride - they were in front, i took the next train. When i came out, they had disappeared. I wandered around for half an hour in the sun. It's not so fun to be by yourself when everyone else is in laughing groups. it turned out my friends were following me. It was a joke. i laughed along with them.
But it wasn't that funny.
today i sat self-consciously on that bench and read my newspaper. every time i heard footsteps on the stairs, i looked up, expecting to see them laughing at me. I wondered if they wouldn't come back at all, if i should just head home.
And then i heard my name being called, "lise - we're in here ". they weren't playing a joke at all - they had scheduling conflicts, got called into a meeting with a prof. Of course. We're not twelve anymore.
i didn't know that my insecure twelve-year-old self was so close to the surface, expecting that people will think i'm different, that they won't like me. I thought that i had grown to love this person i am now, accepted that i AM different, and that's okay. The whole tone of this entry smacks of insecurities i thought i had outgrown.
The girls gave me notes they'd taken for me in the classes i'd missed while Honouring Spring (i.e. sleeping). They'd picked up a quiz for me. We went for lunch, finished our project. We laughed lots, made weekend plans. It was fun. I have two new friends.
I wonder how many more friends i need to make the twelve-year-old feel better?
12:40am - 2001-03-19
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