i'm having one of those weeks where everything i say or do seems to be slightly forced, out of synch (as opposed to *n sync, heh heh heh) with the rest of the world. it's frustrating, after weeks of being on some kind of high where everything was working out.
it's all kinds of little things. i want to be on the verge of love like absolutely everyone i know. but i'm not. so i feel lonely.
some things are stupid. eating dinner, conversation doesn't flow. instead it's choppy, abrupt; we start talking at the same time, i defer to you and the whole time you're speaking, i am trying to remember my point, which i forget at the exact moment it's my turn to talk.
my hair just decided it no longer feels like drying into ringlets.
and some petty - like i wanted to be mentioned in gillian's journal entry. and when i wasn't, i felt sad.
i'm tired of being cold and i know i have four months to go.
i need to see water and ocean. i've started drawing lame seascapes on microsoft paint and mailing them to friends. email me: [email protected] if you want one.
i need a new adventure, but instead i'm facing another semester of school. and i don't want to pack and move.
sitting around with friends, i think of a punch line to something in the conversation, and people keep beating me to it.
i no longer feel needed.
i thought i hated november, but it passed surprisingly quickly and painlessly. the glitter of first snow punctuated by beautifully still, grey, mild days. so i must hate february more.
my banana has a bruise.
i'm thirsty.
i'm tired of talking about the same old things with friends on the phone. i think i hate the phone. i'm not using it anymore.
and i'm tired of needing validation from people around me. i don't know why i am always looking for approval, and i wish i could stop. sometimes i think i am finally at a point where i just don't care. but then i realize that i do.
here's a good bus story:
walking to the bus from work last night, i reached into my pocket and felt to make sure that my bus pass was there. when i got into the bus, half an hour later - i handed the driver my�. health card? fuck. so i searched my bag for at least five minutes� finally accepted the fact that it had disappeared, along with my wallet: i was bus-pass-less and money-less. i was expecting the driver to kick me off at the next stop. and instead he said "you know what? don't worry about it. merry christmas". which was a really nice thing to do.
music: ben harper
lyric: " when everybody loves you, you can never be lonely" ~ counting crows
really: i just want to do something nice for someone, or have someone do something nice for me. for no reason at all.
9:54 pm - 2000-12-01
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