debating applying for the job in East Africa. I don't particularly feel like moving and think it will be a stress on my relationship with R, but also know I've been in one place (careerwise) for too long and need to move.

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I did a lightning 24 hour trip to NYC for J's birthday after 6 days in DC burning the candle at both ends with work and friends. I think I worked an average of 14 hours a day. I took the train from DC to NYC on Saturday afternoon then flew back to Toronto on Sunday afternoon. J got sick on Saturday night so we cancelled everything and just sat around in her sister's in-laws' dope apartment in Brooklyn looking at the river and the sunset and then drinking wine and chilling. I'm sorry to report that I was way relieved that we were not going dancing til 4am, though i 100% was planning to rally for it. On Sunday we took her little nieces for high tea, with the full china service and all the little sandwiches and scones with clotted cream and jam. So lovely.

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I'm feeling disconnected and disoriented from everything. Trying to reconnect with R but he feels somehow unknowable to me. He has such a flat affect that I can't tell what brings him joy or delight right now. I need to slow down and be able to feel that. I'm not even sure i'm really capturing this right, but i hate connecting only on negative things. I want to know what is light and share that place. [Also yes, we can share the irritating and boring stuff, i'm not some kind of monster.]

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All the moving around take a toll and I can't tell if it was always hard or if it's just hard now that I'm out of practice from 2 years of being grounded. Yesterday I dropped my passport in the airport in Newark after I went through security, and I only discovered it was missing as my flight started to board. It says a lot for my insane week that i barely registered the frantic race around the terminal retracing my steps and looking for my passport, finding it, and then racing back to the gate in time for last call. Relatively not stressful. That can't be good.

11:23 a.m. - 2022-05-02