it's hard to capture all the ways that his toxicity saps our energy and promotes tension and just generally makes life harder.

my mother and i live in a state of hypervigilance - she's trying to protect her [adult] kids and i am trying to protect her. We let him go already. I say to myself daily: he is not rational. do not react. he is not rational. do not react. do not react. I know that if I do react, that way lies madness. I think a lot about what will happen when I leave this place and go back to my normal life. I hate to leave my mom here. We know she has to make some hard decisions about what to do. She can't spend the rest of her life like this. She's 70 and every day matters. That is the only thing i really care about now. She has had the hardest life with so many stupid and violent and terrible things, and the only thing I want is for this part to be easier.

*
I'm on the train, going to R's. I am so grateful that he is this safe haven I can escape to. We are going to meet some of his friends tonight. I am exhausted from all the tension at home and also working weird late hours at night so i can spend time with my family during the day. I would prefer to make martinis and play tetris.
But most of my relationship with R has been all about me, my family, and my dad's cancer. [He even asked me by saying, "how's your energy level?" Which is extremely thoughtful but also a sign that perhaps I have been behaving like a very delicate flower who is tired and depressed all the time]. So if he wants to drive 45 minutes to his hometown and meet a bunch of high school friends, then I am going to show up and i am going to wear lipstick. But some thoughts on this, just between us:

1) who is still super close to their high school friends? 100% not me. Is it a little weird?

2) I can't remember what hanging out with friends looks like. What do I wear in these situations now that jeans and a tshirt feels like dressing up?

3) What do we talk about? Probably the apocalypse turducken is not party talk [i.e. war.. possibly nuclear war...within pandemic... within climate change] but also how the fuck can anyone talk about anything else and also why the fuck would anyone talk about anything else? i'm going to judge them if they don't talk about our incipient doom and i'm going to be the downer corner because i think i can only talk about our incipient doom. oh no, i'm so fucked.

4) i feel like i used to drink more at these things and that's what made them tolerable and I don't do that anymore.

5) Also.. we are going to meet them.. indoors? Not sure. All are vaccinated but also... is it a good idea?

11:51 a.m. - 2022-03-18