all of it a blur, i have to write or how will i know what has happened?

A year ago... I spent January 2020 in bed in the dark in a very bad place. I was recovering from the mental and physical bruises from my frightening and heartbreaking altercation with my dad. I was still cross country skiing a lot but all these scary symptoms were starting to creep up on me: heart palpitations and night sweats and rapid weight loss from the as-yet-undiagnosed thyroid malfunction. Out of habit or fear, I was still in love with BT despite all the ways he had been so incredibly disappointing and dishonest. I still hoped maybe we might figure things out but on some level i knew we wouldn't. I'd started weekly phone chats with a dude called R that I'd met on Bumble and I was getting my referrals in order for the fertility clinic and talking to friends about sperm donors.

**
today. It's a sunny and cold morning in January 2021 and i'm trying to make sense of all the profound shifts in my life. Some snapshots:

my dad's PET scan results look good, whatever that means. i immediately shifted from hypervigilance on chemo side effects to hypervigilance for secret drinking. He left the house for bloodwork and I went hunting for the secret bottle that must be somewhere. My mom went to stay with my sister for a few days and I sat at R's apartment steeling myself to go home, realizing that I'm afraid of my dad when he is healthy (i mean healthy without active cancer. He will always be an alcoholic).

*

My family gathered for Christmas on my birthday, and it was really beautiful. The toddlers are old enough to play together. The 6 week old slept through dinner. We had a grace of some kind, and said some things about thankfulness and my dad teared up talking about how great i am and I did feel feelings but also it's all very complicated because i'd been watching him for signs of secret drinking all day and he wasn't being particularly nice to anyone else so we were all braced for it to slide sideways at any moment.

*

R turned 41 on Wednesday and I made him an elaborate fondue dinner and a chocolate mousse. i usually hate having anyone except my sister in the kitchen with me but I asked him to sous chef because he likes to hang out and help. I slid his present into the wrapping paper shell left over from one of my presents (i hate wrapping gifts.. how fortunate his birthday is just after mine). We split a bottle of white wine and made out on the couch after dinner. I arrived at his apartment feeling sort of ambivalent about everything. Sometimes R feels like a healthy choice, and healthy choices make me restless and impatient and bored and longing for secrets and self-destruction and oblivion. But then we had such a fun evening. He makes me feel so loved and cared for. By the time I went to sleep I felt so calm and present. Why can't i just let something be good and uncomplicated? [See everything above... i've been surviving and even thriving around unpredictable men my whole life.]

*

I went to visit a friend, which was really fun but then I had to lie in bed for a few days to recover from the relentless indulgence of it but also the undercurrents of the visit, which were way beyond me. I'm out of the habit of people and everyone else is out of the habit of people but that's not an excuse to not be nice. But also, mental health is complicated and maybe actually it is exactly an excuse to not be nice.

*
My brother and his wife haven't gotten their boosters, and i can't bring myself to try to engage with them on it. Okay if you want to be armchair epidemiologists when you have access to an actual epidemiologist and also all the newest research. But by all means please tell me more about what your friend told you. I'm going to make them some chili and drop off some fancy masks.

*
I think i'm ready to go back to DC. I think R might come with me. I'm a little unclear about how we might manage the logistics of it all. I said as much as to E and she started humming a wedding march and i almost had a panic attack. Things are moving, things are changing.

10:14 a.m. - 2022-01-14