Before i left, my dear friend J sent me a mysterious message about a birthday present.. i was confused - it was november, and my birthday is in december. Also.. we don't do birthday presents? Over the next few days he sent a few texts about this mysterious package -- He said: it’s coming soon. Soon. Okay in few days. Okay tomorrow! Don't open it around your family! [i wondered.. is he sending me mushrooms? But i already have mushrooms].

The gift, when it finally arrived, was incredible: He took 20 years of my diaryland journal entries and turned them into a book. Like.. an actual printed, bound book. He wrote a script to pull the text and got someone to go through and edit it (ooof, I'm so sorry, random proofreader/editor, I can only imagine). It was my 40th birthday present, albeit slightly delayed.

I held this book for a long time before i opened it. Honestly, my brain couldn't absorb it. There are so many levels of gift here: There's the journal itself – artfully put together. There are 600 pages (!) of mostly embarrassing and earnest but sometimes beautiful thoughts -- me from 20 to 40 and all the joy and heartbreak and longing and stories therein. And most of all – I can't fully believe that he cared enough to create this perfect gift.

He added a little dedication at the front that said (i paraphrase) that he can still see the threads of me from back then in who i am now. Sometimes it feels so far away, but I'm grateful to have this record of all of it (even if, omg, i'm not quite sure I can read it. 22 year old narcissa was a *lot* and no one needs to revisit 2018.

J and I have been close since we met at 18, although there have been some twists and turns along the way. There is a lot of J in this journal. We influenced each other at such a formative time that i think made each other who we are. We became adults together. In all that time we only lived in the same place for maybe 5 years but there’s something unique in our friendship. He said it better than me: it is rare to have such an intimate relationship across two decades and counting. There’s no way I give that much of myself to new people… I know better now.

3:24 p.m. - 2021-12-04