i'm still here.

The really terrifying crises of the early summer eventually waned into a wearying treadmill of near-crises that will be so familiar to anyone who has ever dealt with chronic illness. It's not that he really ever got better, it's more that we got better at detecting when things were going sideways*. And when i say "we", i really mean "my mom", who just dove into the mire of oncologists and nurses and surgeons and ER docs and friends with medical degrees and second opinions. All the details, all the questions, all the dressing changes and tracking bowel movements and water intake and fever and blood pressure and and and. At some point i stepped back and it was like I watched her float away on a raft and i just .. let her go after him.

*and of course when i say things were going sideways, i really mean: things were going.. downwards. Sometimes a sharp downward drop, sometimes a slow decline. But always down.
Sometimes I try to find more neutral words for this change. Not down. Distance. Fartherawayness.

10:25 p.m. - 2021-09-29