when i think back to this time, will i wish i'd written more? i want to but it's too much to capture and it's all so.. private and raw and just a tsunami of everything.

*
My mother came into my room after a particularly tough day we spent cajoling my dad to take 2 sips of water every 30 minutes and eat 2 bites of food every 2 hours. She said: "we can't save him. i have to accept that".

It felt like a momentous decision. How to sit and watch someone make choices that will hurt them? Normally, fine, i get it, that's just Al Anon. But when you're dealing with reduced cognitive capacity, then what? How to continually support autonomy and dignity with limited choices and accept the poor decisions? If i remember one moment from this time, it will be this: Battling all day and then the two of us sitting together on my bed at the end of the day, exhausted, letting go of the rope just a little.

*
Another indelible moment from this time: Googling "how to get diarrhea out of carpets" and then rolling up my sleeves and grimly getting started on cleaning up a situation that was so bad that it took me about 10 hours to properly disinfect. My mother confessed, ashamed, that she threw up in front of my dad as she dealt with the worst of it before I took them to the ER. That was back in round 1, and actually in hindsight that all seems much simpler. Almost to round 4 now. But then what? I ask myself this constantly and then remind myself to stick to one day at a time.

*
I willingly took on the task of supporting my parents in this time. But there is a world of difference between the challenging grind that my siblings are in with their toddlers and this kind of care where the prognosis seems increasingly grim. One is buoyed by hope and laughter and the other ...is not. I want to go camping with all my cousins next weekend and I can't go for the time when everyone will be there because of my dad's chemo schedule. But my sister is going and I am pretty bitter that this choice is available to her and not me. I need to figure out what to do with this energy because it isn't healthy. My mom and i need respite.

*

I don't even know how to write about this or what to do with it but i need to get it out so i can write again: My sister came to visit with her kids and husband. We had a misunderstanding and it was made clear to me that she was furious with me and there was to be absolutely no discussion about it. Later she asked me not to come visit them- a trip I’d planned the following week. One immediate family member is dying, and my remaining family is underscoring that in fact i am a secondary family member and my access to them can just be taken away. I am standing, shaky and uncertain, on a shifting foundation.

*

I made a truly wonderful yellow cake with chocolate icing and took it to my cousin's house and ate it with the kids and my cousins, and it was super fun and uncomplicated and a balm to my soul. On Tuesday, as everything started to fall apart, I biked to the pharmacy to pick up supplies on my new bike. I took the long way and i was *so fast* biking in the heat, on these country roads, only me and my breath and my strong legs propelling me forward.

*

R. What do I do with this? I feel.. feelings. I am taking everything a day at a time, but I want to talk to him about a lot of things and haven't had the space to really reflect on it. He was very clear that he doesn't want kids but we're not using protection... I've been tracking my cycle and I am very regular so I got the days right, but I'm not tracking my temperature or using those ovulation sticks, and I know exactly how ineffective that can be. I told him: "look. I am 41 years old and I wanted to have a child and it hasn't worked out for me. I'm not on birth control, so if you don't want me to get pregnant, you should deal with it, because if i get pregnant i am going to keep it". And now I'm sitting here waiting for my period to start and half of me hopes it just doesn't.

So probably that's a sign we should talk about some things.

*
Last night, after I picked up my mom from the hospital and my dad was in surgery, R drove up here just to sit with me. I willed myself to still my nervous chatter and just lie next to him. To breathe, and be, and wait.

*

other things i have googled:
- draining/healing anorectal abscesses
-caregiving/communication with dementia.
- what days are most risky to get pregnant before ovulation*
- when/how to talk to someone who asked for space
- respecting boundaries/establishing boundaries
- insomnia and restless legs
- [cognition/constipation/diet/diarrhea/fever/brain fog/mood swings/depression].. in chemotherapy
- alice munro literature analysis (I almost cant read anything but alice munro right now]

*super embarrassed i had to google this one. But i couldn't remember.

11:05 a.m. - 2021-07-09