So the chemo went okay. I mean if okay means that his skin was green/gray and he was freezing and vomiting and totally in shock. But he tolerated the most important drug, the acute side effects passed relatively quickly, and after a couple of days he had pretty normal levels of energy and was walking around kind of fine... so we all relaxed a bit and then a week later he just fell off a cliff into depression and drowsiness.

He's sleeping 10-12 hours at night and dozing another 10-12 hours. No appetite and totally glassy eyed and completely disconnected. It's so hard to see him like this.

In between work calls and emails - oh hi, i still have a JOB and it is still INTENSE - I'm googling:
"relieving constipation during chemo"
"tempting appetite during chemo"
"managing fatigue in chemo"
"treating depression chemo"

Fuck this. Three weeks in and FIFTEEN to go. But nope. Can't fuck it. Just on this train now, seeing where it goes. Can't get off. I sometimes imagine jumping into a deep lake and floating underwater in the cool quiet.

*
On Friday nights and Sunday afternoons I drive into the city and stretch out on the astroturf (WTF, WHY?) on R's balcony. We make a cocktail and talk about nothing. I drape my legs over his and he plays with my hair. Sometimes we go for a walk or a bike ride. He is funny and nice and smart and has great arms and electric blue eyes and is extremely organized and considerate. He wants to tell me about song lyrics he loves. His dad died of cancer a few years ago and he knows what it is. The making out (okay, i mean: sex) is transformative and distracting and i could get a little addicted to the endorphins and maybe all of it.

*
Last night R drove up here to my little town. I'm still bemused that he is willing to drive all the way here, a whole 42 minutes. When will I get over this surprise that someone is willing to put in effort for me?

I told my dad I wanted to introduce him to a new friend. Around 4, my dad put on his green corduroys - swimming on him now - and a nice sweater. When R arrived, my dad came out on to the front steps and smiled and said hello, nice to meet you. I wasn't sure about how to manage it. Didn't want to turn it into a social visit - exposure to disease? exhaustion? also.. what is there to say? Ugh. Awkward. I could have maybe managed that better, but that's enough for the first time. We are still on lockdown but kind of skating along the edge of the rules.

I took R around back so I could show him what we've planted: beefsteak tomatoes and onions from my neighbour Guido's Nonna. Blueberries so the kids can pick them next summer.

By the time we walked back around to the front of the house my dad was changing into his pyjamas so he could climb back into bed. It was 7:05pm.

*
R and I walked down to the convenience store where i used to get freezies as a kid (and on one memorable occasion: an entire deep and delicious cake). We got ice creams from the freezer and ate them on a bench by the seniors centre, holding hands and watching the kids climb up onto the arena roof in the dark. As a couple of kids went by, I said hello and they politely responded, "hi" because this is a small town. I asked, "was that you up on the roof?" and the redhead responded "yes" and his girlfriend quickly said "NO" and elbowed him in the ribs. I forgot I'm an adult now.

2:27 p.m. - 2021-05-26