i have a doctor's appt this afternoon because i want to ask for a referral to a fertility clinic. I've been waiting for this appt for weeks, but now that it's finally happening, i really want to cancel. Going to start checking out the process but honestly, just thinking of it makes me very tired.

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My dad has gone to the hospital for a biopsy on a mass on his lower spine. Complete heartbreaker: he keeps forgetting that this is happening. He doesn't fully remember or understand the appointment where the hemotologist told him about the mass and the need for further investigation. We have to keep re-informing him and then he has to process it again and again. Imagine. God, his face the first time I re-told him. He's so private and stoic. He said, faintly, "oh. I thought she said we were done with all of this"

Also, he has to go in alone, because COVID, so he's so stressed about how he's going to find my mom in the parking lot afterwards, and he keeps mixing up the name of the doctor he's going to see and the procedure that he's going to have. I hate it.

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I have had some dates. With an extremely nice man. We talk on the phone and go for hikes and keep our distance, so it feels vaguely Victorian. On Sunday, as I sat on my log and sliced up cheese and sausage and tossed them over to him on his log, I looked at him and thought, "i could kiss you". It's so different from how i met BT where we immediately felt and acted on this magnetic connection (read: we made out the night we met). That passion was the basis of our 10 years. BT and I were friends second, and that meant later when the spark got complicated, the whole relationship foundered. Trying something new here.

8:47 a.m. - 2021-04-15