i don't write for a while and it all kind of piles up and then i don't know where to start. i usually do one of those "year in review" prompts in january. maybe later.

years ago, while traveling in thailand, i followed a guy i'd met into the jungle in krabi and then down into a lagoon, holding onto a rotting rope and painstakingly picking my way down a rocky path, slick with red mud. As we neared the bottom, the path unexpectedly became nearly vertical - i imagine that I was supposed to use my feet to brace against the slippery wall of the canyon and let myself down along the rope in a measured and controlled manner, but that is not what happened.

When i suddenly started to slip, there was a moment where i tried to dig in and regain control over the situation, but my arms were tired, and my brain whispered, "just give up, just let go", and i did. I remember the fall in slow motion: i fell more than 10 feet and landed directly on my knees on rocks. I somehow hobbled back out of the lagoon and back to the hostel before the swelling got bad. I wrapped socks from my backpack around my knees to soak up the blood. i was traveling alone. The dude I'd met bought me some food then moved on. I knew no one. It was bad but it could have been worse.

I barely remember the lagoon or krabi or the guy, but I have replayed that moment when i gave up over and over in my head.

time rushing by when i need to figure it out, when i just need some more time to get a grip. i get tired and flail and just arbitrarily pick a course of action. And then the long slow after.

6:53 p.m. - 2021-01-05