I haven't been updating. The narrative arc of my life feels so muddled. When I come here and face this box I don't know where to start. I can't tell where these days fall in my story. What am I building to? Where am I?

So essentially I am having a midlife crisis. Thanks to BT for passing along his. We still talk [when I call him in my moments of weakness]. He bought a condo in Mtl and is tearing it down to the studs and rebuilding. A little on the nose, I thought.

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I started therapy again. Took a while to build up to wanting to open up and *talk*. I did get a nice visual from the first session, of myself a few steps past a major crossroad, with a road stretching in front of me. Somehow that makes me feel calmer. I've spent years throwing my stuff in a backpack and just going wherever. If there is one thing I know how to do, it is keep myself entertained and safe as I walk down a path on my own.

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I went to the gym last night for the first time in almost a year. I've been biking and hiking and walking and occasionally running outside, but I have not done the treadmill/weight thing. Outside stuff feels like fun/mental health/transport while "gym" is about routine and vanity - and I've been weak on both. But i really enjoyed it. There were endorphins even, and my body felt so stretchy and strong. I might even go again.

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I am often fine, even full of joy because there are so many good things happening right now. But then I suddenly find myself at the bottom of a rabbit hole. Like last night when I spent far too long googling variations on "long term relationship with emotionally unavailable person" as though if I could just pose the question right I would *understand*.

I asked my sister for a video of my niece and she sent me one with our beautiful baby toddler running (running!) on her tiptoes playing with a toy, my sister watching from the couch with a newly visible bump from her second pregnancy. I felt the Feelings welling up, but I honestly can't deal, and so I just kind of ignore the fact that bubbling under the surface I have this hot mess of grief and longing for that domestic life that I do not have. I am farther away from it than I have ever been. And in my current life I just don't have as much love as I used to. I'm honestly not sure what to do about this. The distance between where I am and that beautiful family scene feels absolutely insurmountable. My niece and my sister's pregnancy are tangible reminders of time passing.

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I'm traveling again after a long break, and I am way more motivated. Being on the ground I remember: I am good at this. This is important. I have things to say. I can help and also I can learn. And also OMG I'm working in French now. It's not pretty but it's not terrible either. I'm quite proud of myself for that and I want to get better.

My workaholic bachelor uncle/godfather is retiring. I texted to ask him how he was doing and he wrote back, "hope you're well and not just working all the time". He worked a LOT. His marriage didn't work out. Some of his best friends died. I don't think he's unhappy, but he doesn't have much happening outside of work, so now that he's turning 65 he's going to move to Mexico and start over. Ghost of Christmas future.

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Do you see all these visuals? I have myself on the path. I have the rabbit hole, the bubbling lava of Feelings, and this future spectre. And these tangled ribbons of family and self and love and vocation and I can't tell if it's a knotted mess or weaving in some kind of coherent design. Drowning in metaphors, no snappy anecdotes here. No wonder I can't write.

PS. OMG also this is so boring. I'm so BORED of all this. That's why I can't write.

11:54 a.m. - 2019-07-10