This last year I have not been too attached to the idea of my own survival. There have been many hard days when I just felt so exhausted at the thought of waking up and finding ways to fill the days for the rest of my life.
*
I flew Ethiopian Airlines on Saturday morning from Addis Ababa to Dar es Salaam – pretty similar flight pattern to the one that went down, a different plane (I mean, a different type of plane), a day earlier. When I heard about the crash I honestly wondered, “am I so glad I wasn’t on that plane?”.
I am grateful my life didn’t end in 7 minutes of terror and I’m glad that I didn’t put my family and my friends through that trauma. Anyway it's not about me and 1 million ppl probably flew through Addis that weekend. But I do fly through there a lot. I was driving through rural Tanzania at the time and had no cell reception. When I finally got to a town, I had so many concerned messages. They came in over 3-4 days by phone, email, WhatsApp, even here (thanks Shannon). I really scared a friend who knew I was flying out of Addis that day and didn’t know when. I was touched that so many people reached out, from every stage of my life. But I guess I remain ambivalent about my own life, and that is a hard thing to know about myself. But i am drinking water right now and it's so refreshing. i am happy to be here drinking this water and writing this entry. I'll take that.
*
I’m in rural Tanzania. The mangoes are sweet. The frangipani so fragrant. Sunshine and blue skies. Work kind of challenging on so many levels, I can’t find my foothold. But it’s not terrible. Just beyond complex and I can't pretend I know the way forward. I just listen.
*
My sister sent me a photo of herself camping in Maui with my niece. They’re both laughing. My sister and her husband and her daughter, camping for 2 weeks on the beach in Hawaii. I love the photo, I love them, it is an adorable picture. But I was pierced with grief- how did I get so far from that? Later I thought, “I could have gone too”. My brother in law probably would have been quite cool with me tagging a long because he’s so great like that. They did invite me. But the grief persists.
*
I’m dreaming about solo trekking and camping. Maybe Newfoundland or Cape Breton, this summer? I picked the safest places I could think of. Solo camping freaks me out and yet I want to do it – it encapsulates everything about my new life and I really love the thought of being away from everything and outside. Trekking myself through some mountain range. I would go near where I live now but I just imagine all these americans with their guns. I thought about BC but I remember having to clap as i walked and be conscious about making noise when I hiked alone around whistler in my early 20s. I would prefer not to get mauled by a bear. Just want to read a map and find my way. Jump into some unknown waters. As a metaphor it’s almost too on the nose.
10:22 p.m. - 2019-03-14
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